Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Simply Southern Facts

This post is dedicated to all those N.Indians who think that S.India is filled with Hindi hating buggers who apply oil, oil and more oil; who don't use swear words abusing one's mother or sister just to indicate closeness among friends; who wear a lungi (yikes!!! even for our dress we need to take permission from the imperial durbar of Delhi!!!!); S. Indian females are all alike and much more...(let me state beforehand that this is not a generalisation of the N.Indian male, but aimed at a few feudal age bums)....
Karama Pesi Kovama Pata Andhra Ponnu nu terinjuko
Kaveri Pola Varamal irunda Karnataka nu terinjuko
Dhaaralama Manasu Irunda Kerala nu terinjuko
Nazhuvara Meenula Nazhuvura Meenu nammooru ponnu nu terinjuko

Singer: Manicka Vinayagam, playback singer for Madhavan
Song: Theradi Veethiyil
Movie: Run

A strange song wherein the hero suddenly takes it upon himself to give fundas to the aam junta. He gives fundas such as "If a Brahmin girl is seen buying fish, then it implies a love marriage", "If a chariot carying the God comes on the street then it means that theres a fest going on", "A cycle without a carrier is the best for lovers" etc. A strange beginning for this post, since its beginning indicates an all out attack on my brethren living north of the Vindhyas. Have done it deliberately because I want you to see that all southern women are not the same. (i could not recollect anything else)

The last stanza is pretty interesting, because he enroaches on territory usually treaded with the trepidation reserved (henceforth) for republishing the perfectly reasonable Mohammad cartoons. (I'll write something on this later. Might even put up the cartoons if I can convince myself that some crazy jihadi will not assasinate me.) He talks about the females from the southern states of India. Wonder where Goa went!! Not to worry, I'll try to bring up something after I finish this post. He says:

If a female talks harshly and looks at you menacingly, shes from Andhra Pradesh
If she refuses to come to you like the Kaveri river, then shes from Karnataka
If she has a liberal mindset then she's from Kerala
If she's worse than a slippery eel (technical translation of meen is 'fish') then shes form our place i.e Tamil Nadu

Okay, you may snigger about these lines. Go ahead!! Do the ROTFL, LOL and all associated stuff, but if it has entered your thick skull that every region is unique then one of my targets has been met.

Okay, lets come to the lungi part. Whats your problem with it? Since you will not appreciate the confort of this if I state it in that way, let me ask you a few questions. Just because you have dry merciless summers in N.India do you think the weather Gods are also bound to follow your diktat that the south should also have roasting 45 to 50 degree summers? Do you know that since S.India is a peninsula which FYI is surrounded by the sea on 3 sides, heavy duty humidity is also a part of our lives here. OK agreed that there are some places like Hyderabad-Karnatak, Vidharba, Telengana where the weather Gods carry out 'Thy Bidding'. But focus on the average 'Madrasi'. Do you realise that summer clothing for us also has to take into account the ventilation aspect too? Do you think some pyjama is gonna facilitate that?

Now come to our 'rashtrabhasha'. Since when did UP, Bihar, Rajasthan and MP constitute Bharat Rashtra? You tried every scheme to make us learn Hindi, but in your desie to dominate you forgot the basic law of economics, namely 'The Necessity of an incentive' to achieve the goal. Let me quote Steven Levitt of Freakonomics fame for you...
"Economics is, at root the study of incentives, how people get what they want, or need, especially when other people want or need the same thing. Economists love incentives. They love to dream them up and enact them, study them and tinker with them. The typical economist believes that the world has not invented a problem that he cannot fix if given a free hand to design the proper incentive scheme. His solution may not be always pretty - it may involve coercion or exorbitant penalties or the violation of civil liberties- but the original problem, rest assured, will be fixed. An incentive is a bullet, a lever, a key: an often tiny object with astonishing power to change a situation".

Is it so difficult? All that was needed on your part to shut up the likes of the assholes like Karunanidhi, MGR, Annadurai etc and save a whole state from burning was to use some brain and devise some scheme so that people would have seen it as an incentive rather than a threat which, passing a bill is. Your desire to impose your unwanted clout resulted in almost 2 generations of Tamil Nadu residents losing out on Hindi. The results are still there to see: "Dude, they look at you with murderous intent if you speak Hindi in Chennai". Right to an extent, but not completely. The names Chennai now, and (quoting from the editorial of The Hindu, March 6th 2006), much water has flown down the Kaveri, the Palar, the Ponnaiyar, the Pennar, the Vaigai. Infact autorickshaw drivers in Chennai can give you fundas in Hindi if you try some stunt thinking they are ignorant, as my friend T V Rajinikant discovered much to his chagrin.

Now, lets come to the issue of 'black gold'. Has any South indian ever asked you to touch his/her hair (the plume if i may state in order to remove 'misconceptions')? Then whats your problem with them applying oil? Do you think they are consuming oil at a rapid rate such that our national reserves are reducing? Do you think they are indirectly increasing petrol prices? hah!!! get over such thinking and accept them as people.

The next grouse that I have is regarding your attitude regarding Carnatic music. Do you think that only Gharanas and singing stuff like "Kanhaiyya mohe bachao (or is it baccha ho?)" is next to Godliness? If you are unable to distinguish between Hamsadhwani and Saraswati raga; between Kadanakutuhala raga and kalyani raga and/or Aberi and Sri raga, is that the collective sin of the 'Vindhyas and down under' which has to be atoned for?

If S.Indians talk in tamil, kannada, telugu, malayalam, konkani or tulu and if you are unable to understand, what makes you think that you have a fundamental right and S. Indians have a fundamental duty with regard to translation? And whats the cardinal rule that Hindi has to be spoken when you are around? If theres anything concerning you, it will be conveyed in Hindi or English, rest assured.

Whats your problem if students from Andhra Pradesh study more and more? In the same way your almost rabid chase of PSUs is also questionable. Man, if you guys are ready to ditch good jobs like ABB, GE just because you want the extra "mez ke neeche" (below the table) cash, just fuck yourselves!!! Don't ask me how. You great ones may have some God given bodily feature by which you can satisfy your carnal desires even in the absence of a partner......and before you even think of pointing it out, let me make it clear that masturbation is a process and not a bodily feature.

Also please note, swear words are a part and parcel of southern culture too. its just that either you are too dimwitted or nonchalant to observe its usage. Next time look out for phrases like "Onga atha", "nim hendr", "Thevadiya payale" etc

uff!! this post has become way too long. somehow i lost my temper today and decided to write...guess, continuous torturous sermons about how the south should adapt like the north has got to me...Now that I am back to normal, let me just quote Stephen Fleming the New Zealand cricket captain, "The nature of pitches should not be made uniform. Because it will then take away the beauty and charm of playing in different places." In the same way, if you try to make a delhi out of chennai, a gurgaon out of bangalore, a noida out of hyderabad, a varanasi out of chidambaram; it will take away the beauty and charm of our land.

To conclude, something radically different from this post. I was having this discussion with my neice whos into her first year medicine. She was groaning about the size and number of books that she has to study. Girl, even professional engineering societies like the IEEE are grappling with the problem of teaching the younger generation that engineers are also 'cool' people who serve society. You docs have no such image problem......So a few books for a few years should not be an issue. Think of the 'larger' benefits that you tend to gain...Also, medical colleges have a better sex ratio compared to the deserts that engineering colleges are..As Purandaradasa once said, "Adaddella Ulithe Aayithu" (Whatever has happened is for the good)!!!!!

Belated Women's Day wishes to any female who (if at all) happens to read my blog. Women centric wishes that I wish on this day:
1. May manu sharma be hanged to death...let jessica get justice.
2. May all the IIPM bloggers who abused Rashmi Bansal in such filthy terms experience the same shit that they desired for her.
3. May the blanknoiseproject eliminate sexual harrasment. sorry girls, the prevailing connection at IITD put me off from attempting to put up a post in support on 7th.


Suraj said...

Cannot agree more with you.

But besides the agreeing, I think generalisations are abundant everywhere. Like the generalisations made by Northies (the americans about the southerners), the Northies in our own country do them too. and haven't you heard of the generalisations south indians make of Northies? :)

I think it boils down to one's "acceptance" of another culture or just plain saying "they are different".

(oh yes, I'm a true blue south indian too and came here via my bloglines search feed for the term 'carnatic' :) and so let me say a first formal 'hi')

ಸ್ವರೂಪ್ ಭೂಷಣ್ said...

Deep....fine way to blow steam. I almost got burned there!..reminded me of all the 'points' I would keep in mind, when the N's were about to start their "abbey, you should know atleast some amount of Hindi yaar, it's the national language!"

Anonymous said...

India does NOT have a National Language

Part XVII of the constitution:
This part 17, defines an OFFICIAL language, NOT a national language.

Article 345: This gives the State govt., power to decide its own "OFFICIAL LANGUAGE"

Article 343: This defines Hindi in devangari script and English to be the "OFFICIAL LANGUAGES" of union govt.

DIFFERENCE between National and Official Language:

NATIONAL LANGUAGE: Defines the people of the nation, culture, history.

OFFICIAL LANGUAGE: A language that is used for official communication

While a National language by default can become the Official language, an Official language has to be APPROVED legally to become the National language.

All languages spoken in India, starting from the most populous to the least are our national languages, because all of them define the people of this nation, culture and their history collectively.

India has NO LEGALLY DEFINED NATIONAL LANGUAGES ONLY 23 OFFICIAL languages as per the constitution.

kochukutty said...

loved it :)